Somehow it doesn't feel right

Friday night, and again I am at home doing a whole lot of nothing. I actually have no real desire to see my friends and then at the same time I hate staying home on a Friday night. Tonight particularly because I know I will very likely be at home AGAIN tomorrow night too.

I have decided to refuse to participate in anything to do with Halloween. Neither Halloween party nor Anti-Halloween party. I don't really see the point.

I know Halloween represents a pagan tradition but I feel that the only people taking Halloween religiously seriously are wannabees. and anyone wanting to perform some ancient rite of hocus pocus... probably has other days that fit much better into their calendar.

Also, we're moving from Spring into Summer time on this side of the equator not Autumn into Winter. Spring and Summer are times of new growth and life (and rain!)

This has just become another meaningless tradition to adopt from the United States. Will we all start celebrating Thanksgiving or 4th of July in a year or two? they're both about as signnificant to South Africa.

I only notice that Halloween is around because the shops take a brief break from the 2 month run up to Christmas to change all the store decor to Black and orange.

Speaking of Christmas, I could go to the same level of comparison that the Festive season has become so much about themed shop and office decor and so little about the history that to the religiously uninformed, Halloween and Christmas bear a lot of similarities.

A colour scheme:

Halloween - Orange and Black

Christmas - Red green and white

A plant

Halloween pumpkin

Christmas pine tree

Odd characters

Halloween witches, bats and vampires

Christmas elves, reindeer and that big jolly man

Generosity

Halloween trick or treat

Christmas presents, dinner

But! But! But! There is more to Christmas than some overworked tradition. Christmas without the traditional over used symbols (I even saw Christmas decorations in Dubai- an Arab state! - However not a Nativity scene in sight!)

So I say Nay! I say nay to halloween. To the parties and the dress up and the run of scary movies on TV. I say nay to the people holding counter-revolutionary parties of light against Halloween. I say nay to the repeatitve jingle music returning to our shops and stores by Monday. I say nay to tinsel and fake snow and reindeer.

I wish I could keep The memory of Christs birth as a deeply religious celebration instead of something over sold, over-commercialised and glossed up and marketed as Halloween. I wish I didn't have to be reminded of the Festive season every minute of the day from 25 October to 25 December.

Banish the ridiculous traditions! And give Christmas back to the Christians.

And with that - I am left with the only option - to stay home tomorrow night and support neither Halloween party - nor- Anti-Halloween Party. Halloween is dead to me.

Secrets of attention span expansion and productivity

I have had to learn/explore/discover and self-teach how to make myself get 8 productive hours out of the hours between 8am and 6pm on 5 days of the week.

I have learnt that reading a lengthy document with technical discussions and formulas and results will cause me to do the Office Chair Sleeping Beauty under the following conditions:
1. If the office behind me is unoccupied (the guy is away a lot)
2. If it is overcast weather outside and all the windows are closed.
3. If I have just eaten lunch in the sunshine.
4. If the document contains a lot of explanations before arriving at the information I need.
5. If I am really struggling to understand what I am reading.

And so we must devise some ways around it. So a can of cold cola helps to sip when the attention span drifts, sitting up in the most uncomfortable position possible (i.e. not reclining in my cool springy back office chair) and flinging the window open to the chilly overcast weather. (and irritating wind that makes my papers go flap flap flap flap flap!!!)

Other secrets are leaving my Internet and facebook capable cellphone in my handbag. Leaving to-do reminders in outlook to give me little tasks to work on everyday (today is research more training, tomorrow is update forecasts, Friday is update project schedules)

If nothing else I try reorder my desk and the papers turning(hopefully) to coal there and playing with my pot plant.

The final back up attention span/productivity saver is Origami. I often have to print papers out for reference and invariably print the wrong thing on occasion (like pressing print all 100 pages instead of the current page and then sprinting to the printer to cause a paper jam to stop the waste of paper!) Anyway I started with lilies, then swans, then dragons the sparrows and are now using my idle time to make butterfly rings.

The only problem is that my supervisor can take one look at my desk and see how bored I have been of late. The lilies now adorn my desk pot plant...



Future plans for improvement:
to spend less time correcting all my "teh"'s to "the"
to try not be blogging mid afternoon at work...

Back I go to the long educational word documents!

a snatched moment of typing - The Musician

So I went out for another dinner with a new guy last night... except this time it was slightly different....

I had not exchanged much information with the gent before agreeing to meet for a drink (drink which became dinner) We had not even officially exchanged first names - Scandalous!! (I found his out with some light weight Internet searching - I am becoming a google-whizz!)

And the dinner event was precluded by some unsettling news. ThatIDon'tWantToTalkAboutHere. Unsettling news that make me want to turtle and hide and think deeply about my feelings and stuff.

So given the effect of the news, I was tense and tired and I decided to throw away the cocky-flirtatious-charming tactics and decided to simply be amenable to an nice evening.

An evening starting with the designated meet-up restaurant being closed on a Monday night! It's nice to keep things unexpected and interesting.

We didn't hit it off like a house on fire but we talked about interesting things, had a laugh or two.

I was secretly pleased he seemed as tongue-tied as me.

Nice-on-the-eyes is always a bonus too.

He is very musically capable (see earlier post about being serenaded with RHCP)

So... I am just going to say this straight out loud. ...in a very uncomplicated way, I would REALLY REALLY REALLY like to see this guy again.

There I said it!

I am petrified that my fidgeting and the occasional bouts of thoughtful silence may have been construed as boredom.

I am afraid that I did not make as good impression.

I am worried he thinks I am too young and immature.

But that may be all self-esteem speaking so the rational-Frank plans to be practical and proactive instead. (When I am finished being a turtle of course)


How do men feel about being actively pursued by a woman?

Coming Clean...

So I joined a dating website a little while ago. Partly out of curiosity, partly out of boredom on a quiet Saturday evening at home and partly for the novelty of taking a personality quiz and getting a tactless answer.

What landed up happening was I got some conflicting answers as to what my personality was and a barrage of messages from all the lonely/equally curious/equally bored singles in the Johannesburg region and surrounds (Does Meyerton count?)

And so spurred on by curiosity(my excuse for now) I replied to the interesting sounding people and ignored the ones that my inner academic snob disdained. (i lik cars wat do u do?), and against my mothers-style of common sense... I am still there.

And it has been overall a more or less positive experience. Barring of course the Capetonian who invited me to fulfill his wild dreams and a religious fanatic....

I met two of the guys I met on the site and only after some very careful vetting of who they are (They both landed up being friends of friends so I could verify some level of non-serial-killerness) One was a business man discussed earlier on the site. (not the use of "was) The other is a fine strapping young man ("nice") of a scientific persuasion ("double nice!") who has two kittens ("BONUS!!! ting ting ting ting ting!!!") Anyway, That story isn't text ready for here yet

I have been corresponding with a few others and one in particular was telling me how he has only had one girlfriend and that he hates his job. So I said the typical "Aaah shames" and "Chin up soldier". Then we got discussing that he wants to study and I imparted some wisdom picked up over the years.

Anyway while I am going on and on and on like a life skills coach about choosing a career and choosing what to study, I realise I have made a mistake in thinking this chap was younger than me and only a few years out of school. In fact, he's 30 years old... So, potentially unemployed, still living with his parents, willing to let me be bossy, and oh! oh! oh! he asked me if I play Call of Chtulhu (ummm... RPG?) all at 30 years old....

My horrible shallow fickle heart is waving a placard... I am a mean judgmental person... but I'll say the long term prospects here are probably limited...

...a...w...k...w...a...r...d....

Good bye October

As cliched as this may sound, I can't believe it is already the end of October. I officially saw my first tv advert with bells and red santa hats and the summer storms have started.

On an aside, I must say that storms make me really crazy-happy. It's something about the power and orchestra of the strong wind and the tree branches dancing wildly and the thunder and the lightning. And then those first big fat rain drops that fall on my windscreen and make a sound like "pop... ... pop ... pop ... pop pop.... pop... Pop pop pop!" For me it makes me feel small and at the same time I admire the great enormous strength behind created nature.

Anyway back to October! It just seems like so much has happened this year. I was expecting a lot of it but it's still like looking back and seeing a long section of uphill and going "No way! I just did all that?"

And I think what I regret is that I have been so busy having everything happen that I haven't gotten to do a lot of things I meant to do. There were some people I met for a short amount of time at the start of the year and I really wanted to drop them a line to say hello. But forgetting them for 10 months might be a bit of a long time lapse to account for. I regret that I have been to quick with the things happening and not fully immersed myself in the change itself. Somedays still I am staggering along. Other days I admire the view. I think it would help if I stopped loosing my to do lists before they're completed!

On a good news note, I FINALLY started drawing again. Not particularly well or anything exciting drawn, but I finally started! Next challenge is to stay started and continue. Techniques next!

I told you so!

I had a kinda stressful day today. Basic low down is that I found a problem in April and I alerted teh relevant authorities and did a whack of research into looking at the problem and evaluating the exact extent of it.

Now finally 6 months down the line the relevant authorities have woken up that something needs to be done and are panicing about it.

i think I should take up a new job in forensic paper work. As in looking at all teh paper work done by all the people that left before you started and figure out what they were thinking when they did these seemingly silly things.

In truth I think If I met the culprit and I knew what he looked like, I would quite like to walk up to him and give him a good kick in the shins. I think it is really irresponsible to leave a project halfway through especially when the thread of the project is coming loose because you didn't do a proper job managing things.

I think a solid kick in the shins with a hard toed boot would be quite satisfying. The kind of kick that leaves a dent for a few hours and a big blue bruise for a few weeks.

Savage yes. but I am annoyed, sorting this mess out is wasting my time!

Unproductivity - Brains like Frozen Syrup

I decided to not start a habit of early mornings. Yesterdays 10 hour day was exhausting. I managed to tick of a whole handful of little things off my to-do list this morning. And then proceeded to have a virtually brain dead afternoon. Hence the blog posting/redecorating.

I had a 100 and something long page document open to read and i just couldn't focus to read it - I think I should analyse when my best time of the day for concentrating on reading is and assign it to then. It certainly isn't straight after lunch.

I am also trying to break some habits

1. No more coffee at work - Coffee-Breath is tres-gross.
2. I am going to try more often to arrive at work before 8am - which means getting up before 7am - which means trying to get to bed before midnight - should be interesting.
3. I am going to try stop checking Facebook 15 times a day (it's like the attention span filler) No body cares - It's like tres-lame to update your status too often anyway
4. I am going to stop using the word tres - it's like so tres-teen-american
(tres - very in french FYI okay?)
5 . I am going to stop thinking about needing to start dating again - I really don't want to and my self-esteem says "No Thank You!" Why bother - my heart isn't in it anyway.

I have a planning meeting this evening for the training we will present this weekend about the trip to Germany. I would give anything to get out the house... and the lady meeting me doesn't want to go out for coffee... sigh... another evening at home again.

Red eye morning

So I managed to get myself to work today BEFORE 7am! I usually breeze in around 8:30am most days. If you do the maths, Yes I got up before my alarm clock and skipped yucky porridge and zoomed off to work (which even if I leave 90 minutes earlier, is still a nightmare)

Anyway what inspired getting up with the sparrows (or at least the same time as the rest of the family) and arriving before everyone else in my department is that I wanted to discuss something through with one of the senior chaps and he said, "Okay, I can make time for you between 7:30 and 9:30 because I will be in a meeting after that" And so to maintain the tactical advantage, I decided to arrive before him. 35 minutes! High Five Frankie!

It doesn't necessarily mean ill be leaving 90 minutes early to go home however... I have a lot to do and I left early on Monday... So Ill catch up the time today so this is going to be one loooong ass day...

whoops!

Sorry previous post is MONOLITHIC! this is a short one to balance it out! :D

(saying just about the same amount of usefulness!)

sorry who? Is that all?

This question seems to be popping up a lot and I find myself giving lame answers or creatively avoiding teh question or else leaving a blank awkward silence. The question being...

"So, Tell me about yourself." and "Where do you see your future going?" or some variety along those lines. I got asked in a job interview, I got asked by my work supervisor, I got asked in my progress reports, I got asked by a new friend, I got asked on a Meeting-for-Coffee-to-establish-romantic-intent. (Lame answer being what made me think no wonder failed that one!)

These are HUGE questions that get asked in a tiny number of words. And I find it really difficult to give a succinct answer. And so now I am going to give it a bash.

There are two main reasons i find this so difficult at this stage of my life.

1. I started working this year - I have had to change my life goals from Graduating from Varsity to Having a Career and being responsible. (students are not responsible by definition... goes without saying.)

and around the same time...
2. I emerged from being in a almost 6 year long relationship into being single. (another case of a few words summarising something complex and huge)

now the first reason makes a big difference because my goal-horizon has broadened by a nice paycheck and having to plan/dream 6months, 3 years, 10 years and further into the future. And trying to figure out where i want my pretty red stamped paper from Wits is going to take me in 10 years quite honestly blows my mind! I am almost afraid to dream that far into the future, because in 10 years I could organise to achieve my wildest dreams. and thinking about the amount of hard (but ultimately rewarding) work lies between you and big fat meaty success is scary. Yes, I am afraid that I really could become That Person... (can't verbalise the dream yet...)

my short term plans extend to "I am going to go along with this for a little while and see where it takes me and if it's any fun..." - which doesn't sound very impressive to a supervisor person...

Now the second reason needs some explaining. I started dating this guy about 9 months after i started university. so his presence pretty much is a central figure to my entire student period of my life. So I grow up and develop and change in 6 years... and suddenly he isn't here anymore and i have no idea who this 24 year old girl is anymore. I haven't had to sell my personality in 6 whole years! and acting like I am 18 isn't going to cut it...

Now this isn't a case of an identity crisis or a case of being a bland boring person. I just haven't got the words to tell to say who I am.

Ihere are some factors that have fundamentally had an effect on who I am.

1. My family - I am number 4 out of 5 children in a very close family. This defines my behaviour in that I have a irrational need to define my individuality from the rest of my family. This does also explain my stupid need for attention in some cases.

... Although I do believe that on a fundamental level all people need attention and need to feel that they are worth paying attention to.

2. Engineering - There are many reasons why I chose my degree but the 6 years of the degree meant 6 years of studying with a lot of people of the masculine persuasion. I find that some days I think in a male manner. (I do not have a sexual identity agenda here) Although somedays I am emotionally multitasking as mush as the next woman.

3. Jesus - without getting too deeply into my personal testimony, I have attended church from an early age and this had a big difference to how I approach problems, stress and good fortune. I participate in a thrilling bible study these days and i relish pulling apart what I believe and why i believe it and whether I got things right or not.

This much I do know so far..

I am no prettier, not cleverer, no richer, no poorer, no sadder and have had no more suffering than most people but I do think I am an interesting person. I think I am more interesting than a lot of other people my age. I think I will be an even more interesting person in 5 to 10 years time. and it is one of my life goals, to get off the wide common path and onto the narrow different path.

I waver between feeling deeply lonely and relishing my aloneness at one or anther just about everyday.

Along with that I find that some of my friends and a lot of other people Just Don't Get Me. And then surprisingly I meet other people who are so alike to me that they are treasured in a special place in my heart forever.

I love to be lazy but being bored irks me intensely (there's my word :D) Watching the flowers grow in the sunshine is interesting. The words flowing out of your mouth is so boring i can't wait to get away from you like a bad smell.

... It seems i have a little more Frankie-searching to do...

Grrrr! Warning! High levels of unpleasant emotions!

I am not in a good mood. In fact I am angry. I had an incident this morning that irked me (irked is my word of the month. Irk... Irked... Irking... I-iiii-iirr-rrk!)
And I have stayed pissed off about it ever since. I tried walking away and having a quiet moment to compose myself. I tried eating a sweet to have something to grind my teeth against. I have tried going for a lunch time walk to clear my head. And now I am trying to stay busy at my desk until I stop feeling angry... or the work day finishes.

I am angry because I was supposed to have a meeting this morning and I prepared for it. Actually I was prepared for it 4 weeks in a row and it didn't happen. Today it was postponed and then cancelled.

I am angry because I have issues to discuss and when I approach the necessary persons, they talk to me about my project and then walk off before I can make my input.

I am angry because I am made to feel like what I need to say is not important. I only lurk outside your office to be in your glorious presence.

I am angry because I need to speak to someone who has gone home already.

I am angry because I am being blamed for something that was mostly out of my hands anyway.

I am angry because I have no idea what level of responsibility I am supposed to have. Am I being overdependant by needing to raise queries, or am I being irresponsible by not raising queries.

I am angry because I asked for something on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and I should ask for it today - I haven't got what I need yet.

I am angry because I got an earful for not doing something. I sent an email in June requesting an audience to do this thing. I can't force you to read your emails.

I am angry that I organise to speak to people at an event we will both be at... and then they don't go to the event, but never bother to tell me they won't make it.

I am angry that no one listens to me. I told you there may be a problem with this last week. Why are you presenting it to me as a new problem today?

I am angry that I purposely avoided my friends for three weeks and no one noticed I was missing.

I should try get more sleep this weekend - 4 hours a night is doing me no good.

A-W-K-W-A-R-D!!!

I had my annual (make that 9 and a half month) review at work today where i had to evaluate my performance so far this year. I was extremely honest about how I feel I have been doing and overall afterwards I felt proud of how far I have developed and learnt this year. I had to resist being offended when the senior person looked at a criteria that I had rated myself low on an he agreed with me. but overall I found it encouraging (aside from the cringing embarrassment of having to talk about the points where I am under-performing) I can aim towards setting out a clear strategy around overcoming my weaknesses. (Time Management and Verbal Communication - no surprises there - "sorry I can't hear you")

Anyway - onto other matters... Some Frankie-isms of late.

1. I know now that some people only added me as a FaceBook friend so that you would never have to speak to me ever again, it's Genius, Wish I had thought of it first.

2. There is no short term regret as walking outside and seeing the boring grey streaks that follow a brilliant sunset.

3. Some days I feel as if all persons between the age of 10 and 21 should be sedated and put into The Matrix for being just plain annoying, thinking they are cute when they are not and making me feel old and ugly. (except my not so little brother... he's okay... For now)

4. Sometimes even though your head says there is nothing wrong and that everything is all okay and it was all a stupid idea anyway and it meant nothing in the first place and it wasn't personal at all.... your heart still controls your tear ducts.

5. Sometimes it's better to be mean and indifferent to a perfectly nice person than be attentive and caring and lead to giving the wrong impression. "Stop being confusingly nice to me, you very pleasant man! You don't have feelings for me!"

More online Comics and stuff...

I am kinda sorta addicted to some online comics. (I have read the entire archive of questionablecontent.net... we'll get around to blogging about that one day)

So I usually browse Andre Jordan's offerings (a beautiful revolution) when I am sad.... Here are some true, but not so sad ones...






And then I found a very romantic comic called Bellen! (Ben&Ellen!) and although this is not true to my life right now... it made me feel whimsical and starry eyed again...





I am still coughing sick (or not still... I got better this past week and got sick again on the weekend...) and then I have an enormous list of things to do by the end of this week and no one wanted to talk to me today, electronically or manually.... So I don't really want to talk about me today. Tomorrow will be better I hope.

An RHCP love song

It seems it is not an original idea but I get all starry eyed and dreamy when I hear a certain Red Hot Chili Peppers song... I think it makes a perfect declaration of love and I wait by my window every night for Prince Charming to arrive and serenade me with it. I have a weakness for musical guys (not that I have much musical ability to offer back)... it's even on my top10 list of Nice-To-Have features of my perfect man. :) I girl can hope at least! I think it is about the ability to create something beautiful.

Of course the tall mysterious deep thinking artistic type must feature in most girls fantasies at one time or another right? I had (lets just refer this as to past tense for now) a gloriously awkward tongue-tied-and-blushing crush on a boy in my class at one time, long hair, part of a band, tall and rugged (read:probably scruffy) He played bass guitar and was (most likely) not really interested in me and most likely unsuitable... oh but I was starry eyed over him, trying hard not to stare, trying hard not to be overjoyed when he deigned to attend class. He wasn't single (and for the record neither was I...) but in a purely paperback-novel, impractical sense I was deeply, miserably besotted... like a teenager.

Moving along... if I can't find a man to dedicate this song to me, I will find a man who eventually I will want to sing it to... I will learn to play it and sing it to my husband on our wedding day (another not original idea, I know)

I have a scary deep singing voice anyway... terribly sexy I know,

Hard to Concentrate

Hustle Bustle
And so much muscle
Our cells about to separate
Now I find it hard to concentrate
And temporary, this cash and carry
I’m stepping up to indicate
The time has come to deviate and

All I want is for you to be happy
And take this moment to make you my family
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…

Death defying, this mess I’m buying
It’s raining down with love and hate
Now I find it hard to motivate
And estuary is blessed but scary
Our hearts about to palpitate
And I’m not about to hesitate

And want to treasure the rest of your days here
And give you pleasure in so many ways, dear
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…
Here we go.

Do you want me to show up for duty?
And serve this woman and honor her beauty?
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found... yourself
With me...
Will you... agree... to take this man... into your world..
And now... we are as one...

My lone ranger,
The heat exchanger
Is living in this figure 8
Now I’ll do my best to recreate.
And Sweet precision.
And soft collision
Our hearts about to palpitate
Now I find it hard to separate.

And all I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found

All I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found…
Yourself.


...sigh... to find myself...

Frankie's Non-Travels - End of Camp

Some how looking after 40-something young things is more tiring than just about anything else in my recent memory.
I am EXHAUSTED!!! I am shattered My muscles are stiff My neck is sore My nose is running My head is pounding and I think I may border a Horrendous Sense of Humour Failure if something goes wrong this evening.

But all in all I actually had a pretty great weekend! It was great to have so many of my own little Brownies there with me on camp and It was a pretty chilled weekend (aside from the sheer forces required to direct the traffic of 40-ish girls to eat shower play listen and sleep!

(I actually snuck off for a quick kip myself mid-morning and one of the naughty girls took a picture of me!)

I have a big week ahead with some deadlines looming So Ill have sleep when I am dead but at least the busy-ness keeps me feeling alive and out of mischief!

Aside: Mr-Let's-Go-For-A-Coffee/Date hasn't called or messaged (Ihave been checking) - I wonder if it is too early to write him off as a once off pleasant evening experience. No Explanantion required from him...

Frankie's Non-Travels Day 2

The day started with the rustle of sleeping bags at about 6am this morning as the girls gradually moved from sleeping state to Energetic state.

They all got a cup of tea and were turned outside to frolic on the grass and boss each other around...

After cereal sausages and scrambled egg breakfast (again some ate a whisper, some were still hungry after thirds!) we went for a walk in the park... Then climbing in trees... Then games.... Then lunch.... Then litter pick-up... Then more climbing trees... then chair games... Then dinner.... Then a campfire... Then Collapse!!!

Sadly two girls got hurt in the course of the day - Hurt enough to warrant bandages and savlon... And BOTH from my Brownie Pack!!! I am afraid the parents will think me irresponsible...

Amusing Incidents of the Day:
1. All the Pink Zoo Biscuits were taken before any other colour at Tea Time.
2. The girls want to give me a camp name - Flamingo
3. They have endless appetite for mash potato (like over 4 kg's) but no appetite for veggies!
4. Every girl has their own version of a new verse for the Kookaburra song! Most not dinner-table appropriate!

Frankie's Non-Travel - Brownie Camp

So I got involved in the running of a camp for Brownies this weekend. 48 young girls all between the ages of 6 and 11 years all weekend!

Now I am pretty sure that each girl individually is quite polite and pleasant and easy to look after. But when they are all together, the average niceness and politeness goes way way down!

Oh and the Noise! The Noise I tell you! I bet that it can be proven that chaotic noise induces feelings of exhaustion in adults!

Jugs of water "landed" on the floor...
Some ate a teaspoon of food and were full and Some wouldn't stop eating. (Massive appetite always for Peaches and Custard of course...)
How to GIRLS manage to miss the toilet bowl???

But aside my complaints, I think I might just have a good time this weekend, The laughter of 48 happy girls may be noisy but it is joyful. And I get to be childish as well and get in on their fun. And of course through their eyes I am infinitly All-Knowing and Awesome.

I do love the adoration...

The lonely chair

Picture credit to a beautiful revolution again - the full chair story is here.

So I went out last night... on a date... a first date, The official first date in over 6 years. I am not sure if it could be classified as a date - perhaps more of a meeting over coffee to establish future romantic potential...

And it was nice. We had some laughs, we made some compliments, we made soem cheeky remarks, and we wished each otehr a safe drive home.

Now this whole thing didnt really come about with much active effort on my part. I am still really enjoying being single and I really don't want the maintainance of a serious relationship so I can afford to be a little fussy... really fussy in fact.

Ill be honest I can usually think of any guy I know and come up with a list of 5 reasons why we would be not compatible... with all due respect to my male friends. (to set things straight, I adore my male friends, they are really good guys, I just am pretty sure that some of them don't have romantic potential)

moving right along... Obviously in the course of the first date we exchanged pleasantaries and brief synopsies of our lives (Weird co-incidence - this man is like only 6 hours older than me! - I met my "twin"!!) And we discussed where we are in our lives and so on and so on and so on. What I realsied in hindsight is that I may have high standards and be fussy but I don't necessarily always have the same to offer back.

I am not sure if I have enough hobbies to be interesting, I insist on a well read person, but my bookself, while being full, doesn't really have a lot of variety. I want to date a well educated person with opinions but when put on the spot - I was some what at a loss for an intelligent vein of conversation to start.

I do realise that some of this may be due to nervousness or my low self-esteem is talking. But the entire event from start to finish has been incredibly good for my ego - I felt charming and pretty and witty for the entire evening. And if we're not compatible, and he never calls me again, I won't be that upset... It was an evening well spent...

PS there is also a strong arguement as to whether I am ready to "get out there" again - but I tried, Ill try again some other time ... and next time perhaps try reduce the number of references to That Man...

How I feel today

this picture and some amusing and depressing and quirky others found Here. Thanks Cousin :)

Report due tomorrow is not going well...oh dear... Oh %$#@&! ...