I was fresh back from Germany by a week or two this time last year... and despite what I have said these 12 months, the honest truth is, 80% of the feelings about the trip is regret.
I wish I had never gone on my trip to Germany.
Wheew there I said it.
To tell the story in reverse, when my father fetched me from the airport at the end of the three week trip, one of the first things I said in the car to him was, "I have never been so unhappy for 3 weeks of my life." (This was compounded by the disappointment that I was expecting my hip cool older brother to collect me from the airport instead of my trusty old Pa.)
The reason why I am rehashing all of this is that it was my responsibility at the end of the trip to organise a reunion of all the participants and have a feedback session about the exchange trip. We set a date and the reunion did not happen. and then again it didn't happen, and again. 20-something women are busy people and given my negative feelings towards the trip, I wasn't exactly dying to rehash the entire event again.
Trouble is, The Germans are visiting us in a few weeks and we need feedback...
Mostly these past 12 months have held shame, the longer I left not having the reunion, the worse the problem became and the worse I felt.
I could have solved this problem with a handful of phone calls to all the necessary parties months ago.
Anyway - someone with more authority has stepped in and we are meeting this evening and I am really really scared of what will happen. I have been a bad little piggy.
I have letters that were given to me in January for distribution to the girls who were in Germany that I haven't managed to distribute. More Guilt for that forgotten task too.
I actually can't think about the German trip privately without wincing. That is how ashamed I feel. I let the problem drag on and on and on for so long. Trying to ignore the elephant in the corner of my conscience.
The reason why I feel so badly about my trip is not that the exchange programme is flawed - The reason is (as these things usually go...) several reasons compounded.
In July when we left, I had only been broken up with Mr-X for 4 and a bit months. I was still in a very emotionally shattered state. (another confession there methinks). Now add that to the stress of spending 3 weeks in a foreign country with women a few years younger than you... Bad for the nerves - and temper tantrums Did Happen.
The other problem is that I failed to really bond with any of the South African girls as friends. Superficially I got on great with a few of them. (bonus points scored for singing in Zulu/Tswana) But that is a pretty poor basis for finding some one to lend an ear when you're not having a good day. (due to afor-mentioned emotional issues I may have not been that approachable)
Finally, it is my belief that even though I know the theory of being a good leader, I am not a particularly responsible leader. I fail to respond to emails, I don't keep track of the group and I tend to take disrespect personally. And I am not proud of the type of leader I was on the trip.
The trip, It wasn't all bad. I can't say that I took nothing positive out of it. I made friends, I saw some cool stuff, I took some really nice pictures and I got another stamp in my passport for a relatively small investment.
But the guilt, oh the guilty guilt, The being a bad little piggy who doesn't respond to emails, the feeling of getting dirty looks, the memory of a temper tantrum… It ruins the happy memories.
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