I am a coward

I made the depressing realisation today that I'm a big silly scaredy cat. I had two things that I had to get done today and both have been kinda sorta umm postponed because I was too afraid to go disturb people. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of. Perhaps I'm afraid of being told No... Which translates into having to gather up the courage to ask someone else Except now instead having not done the required activities it translates into general incompetence.

The funny thing is that when I'm in a social context with a crowd, give me an opportunity to do the scary adventurous stuff and I'm front of the queue with my hand flapping in the air. Strap me in a 5 point harness and throw me out a tall tree (true story 11m up) Let me tight rope walk along thin planks across a cold lake on a wet rainy day (true story I Didn't fall in) Let me build a raft in the dead of a winters night to sail across a dam and steal the enemy teams toilet paper (true story I Did fall in) Let me ride an ostrich (true story They move Flippen fast) Strap me onto steel and fling me into the air and let me wave my middle finger at gravity for a while with my hair streaming in the wind (True story Eeeek here comes the ground! Straight at me!) I laugh in defiance of those afraid of heights.

And yet having to send an email to ask for some big Man's signature on a report is daunting. Having to go to my senior colleague with a question because I'm clueless (still clueless...) requires breathing exercises. Having to email the foreign colleague with the daunting (yet inspiring) long CV needs several rewrites and I close my eyes and wince when I press SEND ("Hello, You Are Awesome . May I use your CV... So I can say Our Company Is Awesome!?") I was asked to take on a new kind of project at work and I did some creative ducking and diving because I'm not sure how to do it... yet...

I don't know why I'm so scared of looking stupid and uninformed or even having to make myself be noticed professionally and yet I don't care if I look the clown in order to get a new adventure.

So at work I'm the cowardly chicken and at play I'm the unpredictable wild child...

Acknowledging this shortcoming still doesn't help when I'm two documents short for my morning meeting tomorrow...

Honestly now what's the worst that could have happened by making a pest of myself?